This is the Peril Level Alert for the United Kingdom on
A Merganser Level Alert indicates the sharp increase in the rate of paranoia required before making a controversial announcement on a security issue. Its seriousness has an inverse relationship to the size of the majority at the last General Election of the minister making the announcement.
This alert level allows a government minister to sanction certain measures in order to remove a threat to the stability of the party and/or electoral majority country. In certain cases, the minister is empowered to declare a Notional Emergency. Identical in many respects to a National Emergency, a Notional Emergency exists only in the mind and in response to a theoretical set of circumstances.
Measures included in Notional Emergency powers include adding a large set of stabiliser wheels to the coast of Kent to stop the country falling over, placing the entire population under "work arrest" to stem the rising tide of home accidents and confiscating all the liquid from your body in special dehydration units, because of intelligence received that indicate the vital role of fluids in giving support and succour to terrorists.
Do you have a horrifying tale of mean-spirited paper-pushing bureaucracy at the hands of a company, council or government department? We'd like to hear about it. [Tell us more]