Serf Assessment

Under new rules, you must be classified according to a set of Government benchmarks which help us to not only match you with potential employment but also enable us to oppress you in a much more scientific and matter-of-fact manner.

We need to know: Do you own more reggae albums than is strictly necessary? Is your musky flat the habitat of a limp and feckless layabout? Do you wear the woozy, bloodshot gaze of a concussed spaniel? Do you often feel that you’re just being too polite?

Or are you a thrusting and dynamic executive with good breeding and real potential for the island-hopping highlife? Do you ski, jetski, windsurf and fly aircraft? Do you want a job in Her Majesty’s most exciting Service?

Find out: Are you Civil Serf or Civil Servant?

You are dimly aware that someone is following you in a car. Do you:
Flag them down and offer them a lift as you’re clearly heading in exactly the same direction.
Attempt to run them off the road by swerving around in your 1997 Nissan Micra.
Activate "Gazelle Protocol C" and garrotte them in a barn near Didcot.

You hear a brief surge of white noise whenever you answer the telephone. Do you:
Dry your ear, turn off the shower and answer the phone properly.
Phone MI5, witholding your number and disguising your voice by placing portions of satsuma in your mouth.
Blow up the telephone exchange with your specially adapted Argos fax machine.

Your Caribbean beach holiday home is over-run by subversives. Do you?
Offer to make a nice cup of chamomile tea to calm things down a bit.
Place everyone under citizen’s arrest and wait for the fat villain to arrive to carefully explain their flawed masterplan to you.
Escape to a nearby tool shed, from which you launch a devastating counter-attack with weapons fashioned from broken lawnmowers and plastic garden furniture.

| Submit |