Introduction

 

In the wake of the latest difficulties faced by the Government, Sir Edward Bicycle, the new Secretary of State for Social Scrutiny, unveils plans for a complete overhaul of how Government deals with you, the people.

"The Government, your Government, has had its difficulties recently. There have been accusations of sleaze, spin, whitewash and, most recently, less than wholesome conduct with a dead rhinoceros, but these setbacks are really just issues of presentation and the Government remains adhered to its policy of muscular modernisation.

Only one thing stands in our way: the political will as well as precision of thought, and let us not forget what might be referred to as that quality which is known as a clarity of expression.

New plans

That's why we are introducing our new plans. They form part of the Government's wide-ranging sweeping reforms which will overturn and build on the successful wide-ranging and sweeping reforms we introduced last year.

One of the problems with the successful old reforms was that people were uncertain of their position within society. Furthermore we are faced with the need to reformulate our, and by our I mean your, civil liberties in the context of a world where our, and by our I mean my, authority is under threat and where that threat is clearly and without a shadow of doubt, you. We want to change that by screening the population and assigning you, the person, a position in society based on objective rules rather than wishy-washy ideas about aspiration and hope.

New process

This new process will be known as Serf Assessment. The first step in this process will involve a series of short interviews to determine whether you are exempt from applying. These interviews will occur at DoSS offices in London over the course of the next few weeks.

People attending from outside the Home Counties will be allowed into the application office after inspections for head lice. Applicants using foul language outside the context of a discussion about art will be issued vouchers for oven chips and asked to leave.

We do commend these changes to you and I do hope you approve of them, because your future is certainly bleak if you do not. One can't make an omelette without cracking eggs, after all. Now all that's left for me to do is to beat one off."