Identity Card Application Forms

Notes on applying for your new Loyalty Card.

In order to simplify the process of applying for your card, the Government has issued a leaflet: 4ppL1c4710n.

The leaflet will accompany the form except where further information or explanation is deemed, by an Independent Panel of disembodied Judge Heads bobbing gently in jars of Ethanol, to cause more confusion than the applicant can comfortably manage.

For the purposes of Judicial Review, a majority of Judge Heads must bob at a deviancy from perpendicular of at least 5.75° in order to thwart the issue of advice.

Part 1 - About You

The Government's programme of National ID Cards will require a series of application forms to administer and these are being rolled out page-by-page over the coming months.

The first form in the series is About You - D05513r.

This revolutionizes matter-of-fact claimant oppression in the style of it's predecessor - the 4 page claim form for Surveillance Benefit - (PDF) from 2003.

Using statistical analysis techniques has never felt so much like brute force before.

Part 2 - About your ethical standpoint

About Your Ethical Standpoint - 37h1c5 carries on the themes of matter-of-fact claimant oppression explored in the first volume, but now adds psychometric auditing and IF/NOT WHY/NOT error loops to field equations in a number of tick boxes.

Improved stealth question technology means virtual transparency to the applicant, with the only side-effect reported as being a medium-to-heavy "hammering" sensation in the base of the brain.

The form also features a tightly guarded Office Use Only panel with an integrated play area for officials.

Part 3 - Your Biometric Data

The third part of the Government's campaign of ID card application form.

Your Biometric Data - 810m37r1c5 incorporates new scientific technology to facilitate paper-based Iris Recognition and DNA collection.

Claimants downloading the PDF and GIF versions may need to add Biometrics Plug-ins to their browsing software and purchase a new enzyme-catalysis print cartridge.

The form features a night-vision Office Use panel with integrated CCTV monitoring.

Part 4 - About Your Majesty, Ma'am

The fourth part of the Government's Identity Card Application Form is designed for members of the Royal Family.

About Your Majesty, Ma'am incorporates a new paper-based method of prostrating yourself at the feet of the Monarch and inviting her to kick out your teeth in the most seemly and majestic fashion possible.

The form follows all nine guidelines for etiquette, including a method of laying Silver Service to seventeen decimal places - a technique handed down by the experts who also taught the Royal Family to sit and talk as though they were undergoing a particularly nasty haemorrhoidectomy.

Part 5 - About Your Habitat

The latest part of its Identity Cards Initiative, About Your Habitat will collect details about where you live in order to plan the best route to follow you home.

The forms add a twist to the previous techniques of claimant oppression and data-gathering: that of reverse psychology. The new form actively denies claimants the ability to answer questions, by blanking out fields, so promoting a sense of thwarted longing to provide the data willingly.

A team of eminent philosophers will now be subpoenaed to read the forms using complex reasoning techniques and recreational pharmaceuticals.

Part 6 - About Your Darling Offspring

Bringing the Identity Cards Initiative up to date, About Your Darling Offspring - carrying the serial number k1d5-eh? - aims to tackle the growing problem of child identity theft.

Each year, hundreds of Britain's kids turn up to school to find their desk is taken by an adult pretending to be them. The Department of Social Scrutiny views these attempts to fraudulently obtain services reserved for children, including meals cooked by Jamie Oliver and Metalwork lessons, with a withering and stern gaze.

Part 7- About Their Funny Little Ways

The Department of Social Scrutiny has unveiled the second part of its k-ID Card application form, a continuation of form number k1d5-eh? and part of its continuing committment to counter the unspeakably worng problem of child identity fraud.

Last year, hundreds of children arrived at their schools only to find that adult imposters had completed their mathematics homework for them and their marks suffered as a result.