Important Facts and Figures About the UK *

Form of Government:

Constitutional Absurdity.


244,821 square km (approx. 46 square whoppermegamiles)

Principal industries:

Sandwich shops, tax evasion, going to war, being Scottish.


Oxygen 20% Laughing Gas 1%. Trace elements include: Imogen, Hallucinogen and Tri-Bellicose Monomania.

* Figures are rounded up to the nearest tea-break.

International Boundaries.

The United Kingdom comprises the territories of England, Scotland, Wales, Ulster and Canvey Island over a number of landmasses in the North Atlantic Ocean.

The UK has a number of Overseas Dependencies, which are principally used for parking its Navy: Britain has spent the last thirty years turning its shipyards and docks into scenic marinas and tourist attractions that depict the worrying loss of shipyards and docks and the unsustainability of scenic marinas. And tourist attractions.

The UK is now technically a part of Europe – a large island to the southeast of Kent – but its official membership designation is In Denial. Recent unease about whether or not to become more involved in Europe has centred on the fact that most of the occupants of Europe appear to be foreign.


The Official Language of the UK is The Queens’ English, despite the fact that she is indisputably German.


Geologically speaking, the whole of the UK is made of rock, a hard, rugged substance resistant to wear and tear and staining. The rock forms the land in a series of low-lying pointy hills and “mountains” to the west and north, but gets steadily thinner to the south and east.

In parts of East Anglia, the lowest-lying region in the UK, the Crème Brûlée Anglian Crust Plate is currently less than 1cm thick and is only navigable with extreme caution and a chilled tablespoon.

Case Study: Croydon and the Moon

Aside from the remnants of a once-compliant and grateful Empire, the UK has a further territorial claim which dates back to a drunken argument about cheese in 1780.

The verdict of the Junior Magistrate who heard the case means that the UK has historical tenure over one fifth of the Moon. According to the curious, yet legally valid statute, the first Englishman to hit the Moon with a snuff box on Boxing Day will be awarded Governance of the territory.

After nearly two-hundred years of inactivity, with no-one claiming the prize, the Local Government reforms of the mid-1970s led to the creation of six Lunar Metropolitan Boroughs which have since come under the jurisdiction of Croydon.

In 1991, Croydon attempted to take Apollo 17 to Court for non-payment of Council Tax but quickly lost all interest in its lunar responsibilities when bailiffs experienced “operational difficulties” in enforcement. Council Auditors later described the abandoned mission as “too bloody silly for words”.

In 1995, the Moon was officially twinned with Swindon, as no other Borough was willing to be associated with a dead and largely featureless wasteland that could only be considered suitable for life in a pulp science-fiction novel where everyone wore silver suits and was controlled by an authoritarian Council of Beings from another planet.

Disappointed that circumstances continued to look bleak in their twin town, the Moon quietly dropped Swindon for reasons of “local pride”.

Even after this blow, Swindon remains unaccountably technologically superior by at least a thousand years to the rest of the UK and continues to draw people and companies in with promises of long days and hive-mind mentality. The town slogan is “Swindon – Feel the Alien Nation Just Off The M4”.

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