Peril Level Alert: Banana.

This is the Peril Level Alert for the United Kingdom on


The Banana Level Peril Alert indicates that it may be potentially dangerous to walk around out of the earshot of a Police Officer, Police Community Support Officer or similar crime-fighting operative with a level of kudos and authority equivalent to or greater than 2 ASDA store detectives.

If you unwittingly leave earshot of the appropriate person(s) of authority, the Department of Social Scrutiny suggests that you secure yourself to a public building or servant immediately and wait for assistance to arrive. You may experience a higher than recommended level of feelings of exhiliration and/or excitement for a short period of time and counselling services will be made available to all those with a state-registered neurotic condition, where that condition does not stem from failure to adopt the consensus view on the IKEA shopping experience.

Be clear in all communication with people in positions of authority. You may hear from a friend from long ago with a surprise child maintenance order.