The Department of Social Scrutiny is delighted to announce the adoption of a new Royal Crest which, we believe, mirrors the true values of Modern Britain and is set to make everything OK again. The new crest, however, contains a number of heraldic devices which it may be necessary to explain to people unfamiliar with the deep-rooted symbolism of power.
1 Lamb Rampant The sheep's nature - that of a docile, fluffy and easily panicked animal that happily follows the crowd, bleating as it goes to be annually fleeced for its coat - has long symbolized the British people.
2 Ram Rampant With its beard, hardened horn, fixed, dead and glassy gaze, the Ram symbolizes the meddling judiciary.
3 Coronation Lion The Crowned Beast of Britannia which, since the onset of Avian Flu, replaces the Coronation Chicken.
4 Ombudslion To ensure fairness and inclusiveness, the Coronation Lion is overseen, heraldically, by a further crowned lion, symbolizing the official Government Watchdog, the Ombudslion. The Government has obtained a legal dispensation from the Zoological Society of London to re-classify all lions as dogs.
5 Overlion The Ombudslion is a wholly-owned Corporation of the Federal Government of Texas.
6 Insouciant Goat The previously secret Cloven-Hoofed Beast that makes all the real decisions in Government is displayed for the first time here, under the terms of the Freedom of Information Act.
7 Deleted Reference For reasons of decency, the Ceremonial Plate of Regal Turds cannot be displayed.
8 Cross, Pennant Symbolizing the idea of nationhood - the crucifix that bears the nation's flag is hammered through the base of the brain of the people and exits through the chest, both stiffening the posture and acting as a crutch.
9 Ram's Gonads This stands for the inalienable right of any members of the legal profession to display his or her genitals, the third Tuesday of every month.