Train strike to be foiled by "removing rails" say Network Rail.

Network Rail - The Brains Behind Trains™ - are threatening to avert a forthcoming national rail strike by "simply removing all the rails", according to sources close to a leak from a spokesman earlier today.

The controversial plan - designed to head off a joint strike over pay with staff from the London Underground - is designed to minimise disruption to passengers by "removing expectations of any kind of rail service at all", said a Network Rail official who did not wish to be identified, even by his teeth.

Railway Union leaders are are said to be "opaque with rage" at the secret plan. The Union of Rail Porters and Platform Sloths called for members to "shave off their sideburns in a symbolic gesture of defiance".

The news comes weeks before another controversial plan - is launched - to divide railway infrastructure equally between train operating companies, who will own the left rail and Network Rail, which will be renamed RightRail. In this new shake-up of the industry, station and travelling buffets will be operated by a firm of Independent Coroners, to streamline the full restaurant experience.

Speaking at the launch of his plans last month, Minister Without Purpose Alastair Darling said the proposals represented "a fantastic simplification of the current system, which is old and therefore bad".

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