The Department of Social Scrutiny


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HMRC Security Breach: What You Can Do to Protect Yourself From Us

In the light of the recent security breach at Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs (HMRC), The Department of Social Scrutiny (DoSS) has issued the following statement on the subject of Identity Theft (IT) on behalf of The Government. This statement contains vital advice and the answers to a number of questions you may have about what you can do to protect yourself from it, now that we have released your details into the public domain as part of our obligations under the Freedom of Information (FOI) Act; you should read the following information carefully, then completely destroy the computer you are reading it on.

A printable PDF version of this advice for your work place wall may be found here.

Protecting your compromised identity
The following is a list of steps you should take to safeguard your identity.

  1. You should, without delay, change your date of birth. This has the added advantage of enabling you to pick a more suitable star sign than the one you already have.
  2. You should also alter your mother's maiden name by Retrospective Deed Poll. This is rather complicated, but does at least stop family historians in their tracks and will lead to the eventual collapse of the genealogy industry.
  3. Instruct your bank to write to you in invisible ink, Icelandic runes or the secret code of the Puffin Club.
  4. Fill out multiple Identity Card applications under different names and encourage your children to do the same.
  5. Change your online security regime by altering your password from "password" to "newpassword".
  6. Watch your bank account like a hawk on amphetamines. Obsess about your direct debits, your standing orders, your credit card use and all the other details of your tiny fucking lives.
  7. Obtain a new personality. You will be given an application form for this on receipt of your next round of Electro-Convulsive Therapy, which is free for everyone who finds living in Britain a little depressing. You may elect to choose a green electricity supplier upon payment of a small premium.

For more comical incompetence, see The Little Black Book of Red Tape, out now from Orion.

Leaked by sources close to: Sir Edward Bicycle on November 21, 07 | 12:15 am

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The Notwork Rail guide to your railway station. [Read more]

"Keep All Your Old Skin in a Jar", Says Biometric Fraud Tsar. [Read more]

About Your Habitat - Identity Card Application Part 6 [Read more]

New magazine goes on sale to encourage "self-expression" [Read more]

K-ID Cards. [Read more]

Child Identity Theft Proposals Outlined [Read more]

You'll be laughing on the other side of your face. [Read more]

The DoSS Guide to the National Health Service [Read more]

The DoSS Local Election Guide [Read more]

The Pensioner Appraisal Programme [Read more]

Habeas Corpus 2006 [Read more]

Kids' Identity Theft Counter-Measures Roll Out. [Read more]

Child Identity Theft Prompts New ID Strategy [Read more]

In Felicity Benefit [Read more]

For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.