Being human is all about expressing yourself, but as we get older, our skin dries up and those expressions start to leave micro-canyons in our faces. You may think "laugh lines", but he's thinking "what an ugly, corroded old trollop, I wouldn't touch her with wet fish".
But now there's an answer and it doesn't involve keying some smug bastard's penile extension of a car, although it is just as fashionably expensive. Try new L'Organelline Facial Fortifusion - with its patent Pro-Quantum Cloud of Possibility - and reduce the appearance of 87.95% of your wrinkles*.
Put simply, but buttered up with some pseudo-scientific codswallop, your face looks awful, but buying into a fantastic promise and absorbing some strong transdermal hallucinogens will sort everything out.
You owe it to yourself. Laugh on the other side of your face.
"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine
How to protect your data (from us) [Read more]
Peril Level Alert advice in light of Global Alarm Attitude [Read more]
New DoSS Guide: New Labour, New Pregnancy [Read more]
HMRC Security Breach: What You Can Do to Protect Yourself From Us [Read more]
Frequently Asked FAQs [Read more]
Ministry of Truth and Other Information Takes Over Education [Read more]
Identity Cards: Part 3 - Biometric data. [Read more]
Your Money and Your Life - Part 2 [Read more]
The Notwork Rail guide to your railway station. [Read more]
"Keep All Your Old Skin in a Jar", Says Biometric Fraud Tsar. [Read more]
About Your Habitat - Identity Card Application Part 6 [Read more]
New magazine goes on sale to encourage "self-expression" [Read more]
K-ID Cards. [Read more]
Child Identity Theft Proposals Outlined [Read more]
You'll be laughing on the other side of your face. [Read more]
The DoSS Guide to the National Health Service [Read more]
The DoSS Local Election Guide [Read more]
The Pensioner Appraisal Programme [Read more]
Habeas Corpus 2006 [Read more]
Kids' Identity Theft Counter-Measures Roll Out. [Read more]
Child Identity Theft Prompts New ID Strategy [Read more]
In Felicity Benefit [Read more]
For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.