The Department of Social Scrutiny

“ your statutory rights are non-effective ”

The Previous Administration

The Previous Administration’s Complete Index is here

The DoSS Local Election Guide

Local Elections

The Royal Mail are obliged to deliver election literature to your door, along with your neighbour's post and an infinite amount of AOL CDs

Next month sees the English local council elections and, with this in mind, we present a useful guide for first-time voters and gawping imbeciles alike.

First you must find your local Polling Station. This is usually located in a school hall, community centre or some other building you have no intention of ever stepping into.

Once you are inside, and have shown your poll card or given your name to an official – identifiable by the aura of a person who hangs around magistrates courts as a hobby – you will be given a ballot paper and may vote in one of the cubicles provided. Selection of a cubicle follows the same etiquette as the gentleman’s urinal code, and you should always vote in a booth not adjacent to one already in use. However, it is not always necessary to wash your hands unless your aim is poor or you make a mark down the side.

You must make a cross composed of two strokes against the candidate you wish to vote for. Do not tick, draw a smiley face, spray your tag or staple your latest flier to the ballot. You really don’t want any of the parties at your party. You do not need a stamp to post your vote.

Leaked by sources close to: Sir Edward Bicycle on April 20, 06 | 12:11 pm

 Send me feedback/contact me.
 Permanent link to this article
Custom Search


"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker

"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine

Other stories

How to protect your data (from us) [Read more]

Peril Level Alert advice in light of Global Alarm Attitude [Read more]

New DoSS Guide: New Labour, New Pregnancy [Read more]

HMRC Security Breach: What You Can Do to Protect Yourself From Us [Read more]

Frequently Asked FAQs [Read more]

Ministry of Truth and Other Information Takes Over Education [Read more]

Identity Cards: Part 3 - Biometric data. [Read more]

Your Money and Your Life - Part 2 [Read more]

The Notwork Rail guide to your railway station. [Read more]

"Keep All Your Old Skin in a Jar", Says Biometric Fraud Tsar. [Read more]

About Your Habitat - Identity Card Application Part 6 [Read more]

New magazine goes on sale to encourage "self-expression" [Read more]

K-ID Cards. [Read more]

Child Identity Theft Proposals Outlined [Read more]

You'll be laughing on the other side of your face. [Read more]

The DoSS Guide to the National Health Service [Read more]

The DoSS Local Election Guide [Read more]

The Pensioner Appraisal Programme [Read more]

Habeas Corpus 2006 [Read more]

Kids' Identity Theft Counter-Measures Roll Out. [Read more]

Child Identity Theft Prompts New ID Strategy [Read more]

In Felicity Benefit [Read more]

For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.