In line with its remit to streamline the processes of law and order, the Department of Social Scrutiny has signed off a number of improvements to the rights and responsibilities of living in Britain.
One such over-complex principle is that of habeas corpus, which, in layperson's terms, simply means "having a body" - specifically, the police or other agent of retribution bringing your body before a court so you can be punished for wickedness or unpleasant behaviour. Behaviour you are almost certainly responsible for, given that you are appearing in a court of law.
The department felt that this represented an unnecessary duplication of effort and has concluded it is merely necessary for you to 'have a body' in order to have the full and withering bifocal glance of justice imposed upon it from afar.
To these ends, the department has produced Habeas Corpus 2006, which crucially updates the age-old presumption of innocence into something more fitting in the Eternal Moment of Danger we find ourselves in. Habeas Corpus 2006 has been enshrined in a new document - one for every UK citizen - which outlines the responsibilities of occupying a British body.
The tear-out document (above) takes the form of a customer guarantee for consumers of the United Kingdom - a non-transferable End-User License Agreement outlining what purposes your Britishness may be used for, what to do if you find your nationality is malfunctioning and how you can purchase additional rights from us.
"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine
How to protect your data (from us) [Read more]
Peril Level Alert advice in light of Global Alarm Attitude [Read more]
New DoSS Guide: New Labour, New Pregnancy [Read more]
HMRC Security Breach: What You Can Do to Protect Yourself From Us [Read more]
Frequently Asked FAQs [Read more]
Ministry of Truth and Other Information Takes Over Education [Read more]
Identity Cards: Part 3 - Biometric data. [Read more]
Your Money and Your Life - Part 2 [Read more]
The Notwork Rail guide to your railway station. [Read more]
"Keep All Your Old Skin in a Jar", Says Biometric Fraud Tsar. [Read more]
About Your Habitat - Identity Card Application Part 6 [Read more]
New magazine goes on sale to encourage "self-expression" [Read more]
K-ID Cards. [Read more]
Child Identity Theft Proposals Outlined [Read more]
You'll be laughing on the other side of your face. [Read more]
The DoSS Guide to the National Health Service [Read more]
The DoSS Local Election Guide [Read more]
The Pensioner Appraisal Programme [Read more]
Habeas Corpus 2006 [Read more]
Kids' Identity Theft Counter-Measures Roll Out. [Read more]
Child Identity Theft Prompts New ID Strategy [Read more]
In Felicity Benefit [Read more]
For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.