The Department of Social Scrutiny

“ your statutory rights are non-effective ”

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Habeas Corpus 2006

Habeas Corpus

In line with its remit to streamline the processes of law and order, the Department of Social Scrutiny has signed off a number of improvements to the rights and responsibilities of living in Britain.

One such over-complex principle is that of habeas corpus, which, in layperson's terms, simply means "having a body" - specifically, the police or other agent of retribution bringing your body before a court so you can be punished for wickedness or unpleasant behaviour. Behaviour you are almost certainly responsible for, given that you are appearing in a court of law.

The department felt that this represented an unnecessary duplication of effort and has concluded it is merely necessary for you to 'have a body' in order to have the full and withering bifocal glance of justice imposed upon it from afar.

To these ends, the department has produced Habeas Corpus 2006, which crucially updates the age-old presumption of innocence into something more fitting in the Eternal Moment of Danger we find ourselves in. Habeas Corpus 2006 has been enshrined in a new document - one for every UK citizen - which outlines the responsibilities of occupying a British body.

The tear-out document (above) takes the form of a customer guarantee for consumers of the United Kingdom - a non-transferable End-User License Agreement outlining what purposes your Britishness may be used for, what to do if you find your nationality is malfunctioning and how you can purchase additional rights from us.

Leaked by sources close to: Sir Edward Bicycle on March 31, 06 | 10:03 am

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For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.