Following the Prime Minister's recent virility challenge in the Houses of Parliament, there has been a lot of talk about the Government's ability to sustain an election, next time around. It is felt that the executive needs to re-assert itself by calling on the power invested in the crown and, to that end, the Department of Social Scrutiny is delighted to announce the adoption of a new Royal Crest which, we believe, mirrors the true values of Modern Britain and is set to make everything OK again.
The new crest, however, contains a number of heraldic devices which it may be necessary to explain to people unfamiliar with the deep-rooted symbolism of power.
1 Lamb Rampant
The sheep's nature - that of a docile, fluffy and easily panicked animal that happily follows the crowd, bleating as it goes to be annually fleeced for its coat - has long symbolized the British people.
2 Ram Rampant
With its beard, hardened horn, fixed, dead and glassy gaze, the Ram symbolizes the meddling judiciary.
3 Coronation Lion
The Crowned Beast of Britannia which, since the onset of Avian Flu, replaces the Coronation Chicken.
To ensure fairness and inclusiveness, the Coronation Lion is overseen, heraldically, by a further crowned lion, symbolizing the official Government Watchdog, the Ombudslion. The Government has obtained a legal dispensation from the Zoological Society of London to re-classify all lions as dogs.
The Ombudslion is a wholly-owned Corporation of the Federal Government of Texas.
6 Insouciant Goat
The previously secret Cloven-Hoofed Beast that makes all the real decisions in Government is displayed for the first time here, under the terms of the Freedom of Information Act.
7 Deleted Reference
For reasons of decency, the Ceremonial Plate of Regal Turds cannot be displayed.
8 Cross, Pennant
Symbolizing the idea of nationhood - the crucifix that bears the nation's flag is hammered through the base of the brain of the people and exits through the chest, both stiffening the posture and acting as a crutch.
9 Ram's Gonads
This stands for the inalienable right of any members of the legal profession to display his or her genitals, the third Tuesday of every month.
"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine
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