The Department of Social Scrutiny


“ your statutory rights are non-effective ”

The Previous Administration

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Government open new Jobcentrehassleplus centres.

Job Centre

Hey, chin up. Just because you’ve lost your job through no fault of your own, there’s no need to be all down-hearted or to sink into the hand-to-mouth destitution of cheap groceries and court orders. Not just yet, anyway

It isn’t all rejection and despondency, you know, because there’s someone who always wants to see you, no matter how much you turn them away or pretend you don’t care. That’s right, that’s us, we’re the Jobcentrehassleplus.

Jobcentrehassleplus. loves you a lot, but knows you’re not ready to make a big commitment. We only want to see you once a fortnight – we can do lunch or dinner or, better still, how about a long and demeaning interview?

With Jobcentrehassleplus. your P45 opens a world of opportunity. Just look at the great services on offer in your nearest branch.

  • Each of our centres is equipped with the latest high-tech gear, like paper and biros, and hologrammatic claim forms that enable us to misplace your details in all three dimensions at once.
  • Every local newspaper in the world with each instance of the word ‘job’ highlighted in pink.
  • A bank of crashed Jobsearchmachines that only show “marketing” jobs in Dorset offering £500,000 p.a. without mentioning it’s actually double glazing canvassing, and you will quite rightly go to Hell
  • Staff, now at software version 0.8.3, have had most of their bugs – like yawning in the client’s face, secretion of mouth corner spittle and tongue-lolling – de-programmed and purged from their operating systems so they can now make up their own rules and misunderstand regulations without compromising oral hygiene guidelines.

Leaked by sources close to: Sir Edward Bicycle on October 25, 05 | 2:15 pm

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