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ID Cards "Will Not Lead to an Orwellian Nightmare", Says Citizen 447T/236496QH-Delta

Comment

By Sir Edward Bicycle, QC, TC, PC DOS.

The issue of identity - or ID - cards has provoked a healthy national debate recently, largely concerning whether or not they will lead to some kind of Orwellian dictatorship. The answer, of course, is 'no'. The Government has no plans to delegate the running of home affairs to a pig, as in the Orwellian masterpiece, "Animal Farm" and the job will continue to be handled by the Home Secretary, Charles Clarke, with the assistance of myself and my Cabinet colleague, the Minister of Truth and Other Information, Alan Bladder.

Not a pig

Charles Clarke is in control of the Home Office, not a pig.



This week sees the second reading of the ID Cards Bill, but as seasoned viewers of this departmental website will know, a number of people we can only call enthusiasts mostly because we don't wish to appear rude have already signed up for Identity Cards as part of the Department's extensive test of biometric technology and data security.

Unfortunately, the test was not a success. In one case, an iris scanner malfunctioned badly, leaving an after-image of a barcode permanently etched on to the retina of everyone present. However, it wasn't all bad news: a subsequent scan of the irises awarded double-Clubcard points to an elderly lady in Peterborough for the whole of July 2004, and many of the victims are now capable of polarising light without the aid of sunglasses.

For those of you who missed the trial, I thoroughly recommend that you browse through the ID Card Application forms below. If you have any questions, please write to me c/o Department of Social Scrutiny, Interrogation Room 487, Golden Cross House, 456-458 Strand, London, WC2R 0DZ, giving your name, address, and a list of potentially subversive individuals you know.



           
                     
 

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Leaked by sources close to: Sir Edward Bicycle on June 28, 05 | 8:58 am

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For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.