The Department of Social Scrutiny

“ your statutory rights are non-effective ”

The Previous Administration

The Previous Administration’s Complete Index is here

ID Cards "Will Not Lead to an Orwellian Nightmare", Says Citizen 447T/236496QH-Delta


By Sir Edward Bicycle, QC, TC, PC DOS.

The issue of identity - or ID - cards has provoked a healthy national debate recently, largely concerning whether or not they will lead to some kind of Orwellian dictatorship. The answer, of course, is 'no'. The Government has no plans to delegate the running of home affairs to a pig, as in the Orwellian masterpiece, "Animal Farm" and the job will continue to be handled by the Home Secretary, Charles Clarke, with the assistance of myself and my Cabinet colleague, the Minister of Truth and Other Information, Alan Bladder.

Not a pig

Charles Clarke is in control of the Home Office, not a pig.

This week sees the second reading of the ID Cards Bill, but as seasoned viewers of this departmental website will know, a number of people we can only call enthusiasts mostly because we don't wish to appear rude have already signed up for Identity Cards as part of the Department's extensive test of biometric technology and data security.

Unfortunately, the test was not a success. In one case, an iris scanner malfunctioned badly, leaving an after-image of a barcode permanently etched on to the retina of everyone present. However, it wasn't all bad news: a subsequent scan of the irises awarded double-Clubcard points to an elderly lady in Peterborough for the whole of July 2004, and many of the victims are now capable of polarising light without the aid of sunglasses.

For those of you who missed the trial, I thoroughly recommend that you browse through the ID Card Application forms below. If you have any questions, please write to me c/o Department of Social Scrutiny, Interrogation Room 487, Golden Cross House, 456-458 Strand, London, WC2R 0DZ, giving your name, address, and a list of potentially subversive individuals you know.


About You








Notes on Your Form


Leaked by sources close to: Sir Edward Bicycle on June 28, 05 | 8:58 am

 Send me feedback/contact me.
 Permanent link to this article
Custom Search


"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker

"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine

Other stories

How to protect your data (from us) [Read more]

Peril Level Alert advice in light of Global Alarm Attitude [Read more]

New DoSS Guide: New Labour, New Pregnancy [Read more]

HMRC Security Breach: What You Can Do to Protect Yourself From Us [Read more]

Frequently Asked FAQs [Read more]

Ministry of Truth and Other Information Takes Over Education [Read more]

Identity Cards: Part 3 - Biometric data. [Read more]

Your Money and Your Life - Part 2 [Read more]

The Notwork Rail guide to your railway station. [Read more]

"Keep All Your Old Skin in a Jar", Says Biometric Fraud Tsar. [Read more]

About Your Habitat - Identity Card Application Part 6 [Read more]

New magazine goes on sale to encourage "self-expression" [Read more]

K-ID Cards. [Read more]

Child Identity Theft Proposals Outlined [Read more]

You'll be laughing on the other side of your face. [Read more]

The DoSS Guide to the National Health Service [Read more]

The DoSS Local Election Guide [Read more]

The Pensioner Appraisal Programme [Read more]

Habeas Corpus 2006 [Read more]

Kids' Identity Theft Counter-Measures Roll Out. [Read more]

Child Identity Theft Prompts New ID Strategy [Read more]

In Felicity Benefit [Read more]

For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.