Windows for Warships: Crash Report
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Transcript of Support Request RN302896.
Thank you for calling Microsoft Windows for Warships Support Line. Where do you want to blow up today?
This is Commander Nelson of HMS Excel. We appear to be under attack and our computer keeps freezing.
I see. Are you sitting in front of your computer now?
Yes. Also, our Combat Management System is telling us we need different drivers to fire our missiles.
OK. Can you click the Start Menu?
Start menu, yes…
And select My Battleship…
It’s asking for my Hotmail password.
OK Put that in. Now, open the program Microsoft Assured Destruction and right click on Defence Properties.
Aha. I’m there.
Select “We’re all going to die”.
Don’t worry. That’s a bit we haven’t implemented yet…
Oh for Christ’s sake. Right. It’s come up with a what-do-you-call-it, a dialog box, on screen.
What does it say?
It says “You are not authorised to access this area. Do you not wish to uncontinue?” There are five buttons – two of them say “OK”, one says “Cancel”, one says “NoNotYesNo” and the last one says “Copy missile to target.”
Right. Hold down the alt key as you click the last button. That will bring up a new email window, attach the missile to that and click send. Empty the Bilge, optimise the anchor and choose Format Guns from the Tools menu. Then restart the ship.
We can’t do that – every time we start up the thing, it fires all its guns in turn and a string of flags comes out that reads “Microsoft expects every man to Control-Alt-Delete for his Operating System”.
Ah. So you haven’t installed Service Pack 7 then?
Service pack 7? Service Pack 7?? This is a Royal Navy Warship on active duty, not some bloody PowerPoint presentation.
Well, you’ll have to download it later. It should only take a few minutes. Have you got broadband?
Listen. This is Her Majesty’s Navy. Of course we don’t have broadband. So I’ll have to ring off now, if I want to launch the missiles.
Thank you for ringing Windows for Warships Support.
Yes, yes: shut up you bloody hippy.
Now, where was I? Oh Lord. We’ve crash……
LINE GOES DEAD
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