Based on this website, Britain: What a State is a send-up of an entire way of life. From the unique British class system to pubs and our beloved transport network, every element of our society is brilliantly explained and illustrated in a series of wincingly accurate spoof official forms from the DoSS.
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Windows for Warships: Crash Report
Transcript of Support Request RN302896.
WINDOWS SUPPORT
Thank you for calling Microsoft Windows for Warships Support Line. Where do you want to blow up today?
COMMANDER
This is Commander Nelson of HMS Excel. We appear to be under attack and our computer keeps freezing.
WINDOWS SUPPORT
I see. Are you sitting in front of your computer now?
COMMANDER
Yes. Also, our Combat Management System is telling us we need different drivers to fire our missiles.
WINDOWS SUPPORT
OK. Can you click the Start Menu?
COMMANDER
Start menu, yes…
WINDOWS SUPPORT
And select My Battleship…
COMMANDER
It’s asking for my Hotmail password.
WINDOWS SUPPORT
OK Put that in. Now, open the program Microsoft Assured Destruction and right click on Defence Properties.
COMMANDER
Aha. I’m there.
WINDOWS SUPPORT
Select “We’re all going to die”.
COMMANDER
What?
WINDOWS SUPPORT
Don’t worry. That’s a bit we haven’t implemented yet…
COMMANDER
Oh for Christ’s sake. Right. It’s come up with a what-do-you-call-it, a dialog box, on screen.
WINDOWS SUPPORT
What does it say?
COMMANDER
It says “You are not authorised to access this area. Do you not wish to uncontinue?” There are five buttons – two of them say “OK”, one says “Cancel”, one says “NoNotYesNo” and the last one says “Copy missile to target.”
WINDOWS SUPPORT
Right. Hold down the alt key as you click the last button. That will bring up a new email window, attach the missile to that and click send. Empty the Bilge, optimise the anchor and choose Format Guns from the Tools menu. Then restart the ship.
COMMANDER
We can’t do that – every time we start up the thing, it fires all its guns in turn and a string of flags comes out that reads “Microsoft expects every man to Control-Alt-Delete for his Operating System”.
WINDOWS SUPPORT
Ah. So you haven’t installed Service Pack 7 then?
COMMANDER
Service pack 7? Service Pack 7?? This is a Royal Navy Warship on active duty, not some bloody PowerPoint presentation.
WINDOWS SUPPORT
Well, you’ll have to download it later. It should only take a few minutes. Have you got broadband?
COMMANDER
Listen. This is Her Majesty’s Navy. Of course we don’t have broadband. So I’ll have to ring off now, if I want to launch the missiles.
WINDOWS SUPPORT
Thank you for ringing Windows for Warships Support.
COMMANDER
Yes, yes: shut up you bloody hippy.
Now, where was I? Oh Lord. We’ve crash……
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