As various tax deadlines loom, The Department of Social Scrutiny and the Indolent Revenue have helpfully released an information leaflet and publicity campaign designed to offer an insight into Tax office procedures for data manipulation and storage.
You can now find full descriptions of individual processes in the Tax Office leaflet “What the Fuck Have You Done With My Tax Records?”. The new leaflet is freely available from your local Office inside a large, erratically rotating jar of wasps, but here is an extract for the P-45 - the form that is issued to the unemployed, upon removal of their livelihood.
The P-45 leads a very interesting life the moment it leaves your sweaty hand and enters the bureaucratic domain. While you worry about your mortgage payment and the scowling, unsymmetrical faces of staff at your local Jobcentrehassleplus, your P-45 begins the kind of exotic journey only pre-packaged oriental snacks can dream of.
Your data is first inputted into an air-conditioned computer silo for processing, dispersal and retrieval. After sorting, data re-alignment and qualified re-dispersal, the original P-45 is sent to Rangoon for I-Ching interpretation by accountants at the As Above, So Below Institute of Tax.
After three full moons have elapsed, the original form is burnt in a sealed bell jar and the carbonised remains are collected for auditing and mass-spectrometry. The jar is then broken against the hull of a ship bearing your National Insurance records which is then sailed into the Bermuda Triangle for processing. The remaining seven steps of the process have only ever been attained via computer simulation.
"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine
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New DoSS Guide: New Labour, New Pregnancy [Read more]
HMRC Security Breach: What You Can Do to Protect Yourself From Us [Read more]
Frequently Asked FAQs [Read more]
Ministry of Truth and Other Information Takes Over Education [Read more]
Identity Cards: Part 3 - Biometric data. [Read more]
Your Money and Your Life - Part 2 [Read more]
The Notwork Rail guide to your railway station. [Read more]
"Keep All Your Old Skin in a Jar", Says Biometric Fraud Tsar. [Read more]
About Your Habitat - Identity Card Application Part 6 [Read more]
New magazine goes on sale to encourage "self-expression" [Read more]
K-ID Cards. [Read more]
Child Identity Theft Proposals Outlined [Read more]
You'll be laughing on the other side of your face. [Read more]
The DoSS Guide to the National Health Service [Read more]
The DoSS Local Election Guide [Read more]
The Pensioner Appraisal Programme [Read more]
Habeas Corpus 2006 [Read more]
Kids' Identity Theft Counter-Measures Roll Out. [Read more]
Child Identity Theft Prompts New ID Strategy [Read more]
In Felicity Benefit [Read more]
For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.