A DoSS Guide to the fiscal arts.
There are many, many ways of making money in Britain, but most of them can be grouped into the following few categories.
Employment is the favoured option. It involves travelling to a building in a town and then reading some company memos about productivity and pro-active models of customer service paradigms. You are then free to surf the internet for five hours a day.
This is made possible, in a furiously competitive world, by the importance of attendance over achievement. It’s not the winning that counts, but taking part.
Although often advertised in Britain’s top broadsheet newspapers, the key to winning a public appointment lies in being so close to the centre of power, you have no need to read a newspaper at all.
You can, however, gauge the relative importance and power of an official position by the size of its advertisement.
A recent vacancy for Chairhuman of the Potato Excellence Council warranted six lines of copy on the personals page. The page coincidentally featured a four column box ad with a picture of a member of the Equal Opportunities Commission as an infant alongside the caption, “Look who’s 50 today – happy birthday, you old cow”.
This is typically for people who wish to own some kind of commercial vehicle, such as a small white van, and drive it around the ring road in a boiler suit swearing at cyclists, but it wasn’t always like this.
Self employment of a more glossy variety became very fashionable in Britain in the 1980s at around the same time as the slim-slat venetian blind. Advertisements of the era featured moodily-lit black ash offices full of hatchet-faced young professionals in double-breasted suits exchanging conspiratorial glances with one another. The dress code for these meetings always seemed to favour the big suit New Romantic look, so that everyone resembled a member of Spandau Ballet with a high yield Personal Equity Plan.
Blue Chip Larceny.
London’s Square Mile has always been a vibrant and exciting centre for perpetrating high-value embezzlement. It offers ample opportunities for the right individual to make enough money to buy the company they are skillfully siphoning funds away from, and to do it before lunch.
During lunch, an expert practitioner can then pass an entire multi-national corporation through a series of holding companies, leaving a trail of abandoned office buildings and burnt-out accountants which must then be carefully hidden inside hollowed-out mountains and homes for the fiscally exhausted.
"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine
How to protect your data (from us) [Read more]
Peril Level Alert advice in light of Global Alarm Attitude [Read more]
New DoSS Guide: New Labour, New Pregnancy [Read more]
HMRC Security Breach: What You Can Do to Protect Yourself From Us [Read more]
Frequently Asked FAQs [Read more]
Ministry of Truth and Other Information Takes Over Education [Read more]
Identity Cards: Part 3 - Biometric data. [Read more]
Your Money and Your Life - Part 2 [Read more]
The Notwork Rail guide to your railway station. [Read more]
"Keep All Your Old Skin in a Jar", Says Biometric Fraud Tsar. [Read more]
About Your Habitat - Identity Card Application Part 6 [Read more]
New magazine goes on sale to encourage "self-expression" [Read more]
K-ID Cards. [Read more]
Child Identity Theft Proposals Outlined [Read more]
You'll be laughing on the other side of your face. [Read more]
The DoSS Guide to the National Health Service [Read more]
The DoSS Local Election Guide [Read more]
The Pensioner Appraisal Programme [Read more]
Habeas Corpus 2006 [Read more]
Kids' Identity Theft Counter-Measures Roll Out. [Read more]
Child Identity Theft Prompts New ID Strategy [Read more]
In Felicity Benefit [Read more]
For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.