The Department of Social Scrutiny

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Social Scrutiny Almanac - July 2004

Derivation of name

The name of July is a corruption of the word Yuley - a term meaning "Christmas-like", as coined by the ancient Densa Tribe who roamed Britain from the earliest times, eating hallucinogenic berries, psychotropic tree bark and, when push came to shove, parts of their own bodies.

The Densa celebrated as if every day had no tomorrow, which was particularly apt as no member of the tribe could ever successfully recount the events of yesterday. Temporally distorted as they were, the Densa were unable to keep track of time and decided that Christmas was as good a day as any to pin their consciousness on.

The seventh month of the year was their most successful period. A temporary rush of hormones could overcome the pharmacologically interesting fruits of nature enough to lead to self-awareness and powers of reason.

The last member of the Densa Tribe annihilated his own identity in 1987, after successfully chewing his own face off.

Astronomical phenomena

Because Daylight Saving Time is in effect, The Sun will not rise on the 3rd or the 17th as an economy measure. Solar engineers will reboot The Sun on the 4th and the 18th as part of an ongoing programme of improvements, which will also include installation of BackupMoon as well as Service Pack 7 for SolarSystem 2004™.

Notable Dates and Festivals

11 July

To celebrate the 730th birthday of Robert the Bruce, Scotland will be officially inundated by spiders. Breeding facilities on the English side of the border at Carlisle and Berwick-Upon-Tweed will release 730 million Arachnids which will converge on an enormous genetically engineered fly nailed to the ground near Edinburgh.

21 July

On the thirty-fifth annversary of the first Man on the Moon, the BBC launches its Hands-On Lunar Science Experiment Roadshow, in which a specially adapted bus that has had all the air sucked out of it tours schools inviting disadvantaged children to "survive a day in a total vacuum".

27 July

The 310th anniversary of the establishment of the Bank of England. Free money at all UK banks, as a "thank-you to all our loyal customers who have willingly accepted the abstract notion of money and currency over the last three centuries".

Leaked by sources close to: Sir Edward Bicycle on July 01, 04 | 12:00 pm

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For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.