Big Brother five goes live on Channel 4 tonight, amid controversy about a new feature of the show's logo - a human face in the pupil of the all-seeing eye.
Rumours continue to circulate about the true identity of the face - and whether it is one of this year's contestants. One theory is that the new show will feature 12 people sitting in a room watching the rest of the UK - turning Reality TV into TV Reality. "That may appear to be quite boring", according to media analyst Kiki Humbug, "but this is Big Brother after all: will anybody notice if it twelve tiresome attention whores sit on a sofa and talk bollocks for ten weeks?"
However, it seems that Endemol - the show's producers - will make the programme a little different to the last four series. One of the big changes is that none of it will be televised - making the approval-hungry wannabe micro-starlets the only people not on television for the whole ten weeks.
"It's a post-ironic statement", says Endemol's Director of Shite, Dirk Porn. "We've moved the house, to somewhere heavily guarded in Westminster - if anyone gets close, we have a policeman standing outside the front door as a last resort."
Tonight, viewers tuning into Big Brother will see the first instalment of "Britain's Top 1000 CCTV Shoplifting Videos", while the Big Brother 12 will watch the rest of us - apparently unaware that we are being filmed.
Big Brother 6 has already been commissioned. Work will begin on the new show next summer, after planning permission for a 12 foot high perimeter fence for the UK has been granted.
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