The Department of Social Scrutiny

“ your statutory rights are non-effective ”

The Previous Administration

The Previous Administration’s Complete Index is here

Government issues guidance for emergencies leaflet: d0n7p4n1c.

imageDoSS today issued our long-awaited two page emergency planning leaflet: What Can I Do in the Event of a Security Meltdown? - d0n7p4n1c (PDF). The leaflet is also available as two gif files. Page 1 and Page 2.

As I enter my Emergency Bunker, I feel I must praise the mindless dedication of the leaflet's authors and designers. Not only does it contain a lot of information on how to turn your home into a radiation, biological and chemical weapon-proof citadel using only a table, two doors and a roll of black bin liners (Osamas as we call them), it also carries complete schedules of the Emergency Broadcasting Service that my colleague David Blunkett is set to introduce as soon as the lights go out and we all get back into the Spirit of the Blitz.

Naturally, on just two A5 pages, we could not include all the information on preparedness we would have liked to, but we will remedy that as soon as the Commons Standing Committee on Lessons Learnt From The Apocalypse reports its conclusions less than a month after the event itself.

See you on the other side.

Leaked by sources close to: Sir Edward Bicycle on May 19, 04 | 3:25 pm

 Send me feedback/contact me.
 Permanent link to this article
Custom Search


"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker

"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine

Other stories

How to protect your data (from us) [Read more]

Peril Level Alert advice in light of Global Alarm Attitude [Read more]

New DoSS Guide: New Labour, New Pregnancy [Read more]

HMRC Security Breach: What You Can Do to Protect Yourself From Us [Read more]

Frequently Asked FAQs [Read more]

Ministry of Truth and Other Information Takes Over Education [Read more]

Identity Cards: Part 3 - Biometric data. [Read more]

Your Money and Your Life - Part 2 [Read more]

The Notwork Rail guide to your railway station. [Read more]

"Keep All Your Old Skin in a Jar", Says Biometric Fraud Tsar. [Read more]

About Your Habitat - Identity Card Application Part 6 [Read more]

New magazine goes on sale to encourage "self-expression" [Read more]

K-ID Cards. [Read more]

Child Identity Theft Proposals Outlined [Read more]

You'll be laughing on the other side of your face. [Read more]

The DoSS Guide to the National Health Service [Read more]

The DoSS Local Election Guide [Read more]

The Pensioner Appraisal Programme [Read more]

Habeas Corpus 2006 [Read more]

Kids' Identity Theft Counter-Measures Roll Out. [Read more]

Child Identity Theft Prompts New ID Strategy [Read more]

In Felicity Benefit [Read more]

For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.