The Department of Social Scrutiny

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Sasser Worm: New steps to take to protect your PC.

Following arrests in connection with the Sasser worm, the Government has issued advice to computer users in Britain. Last year DoSS earmarked 7 billion in a new programme to combat internet evil such as Sasser. Some of the lessons we learned are now being shared with the public.

Some words in the following advice are italicised to mark them out as specialist terms which may make you feel a bit stupid. This helps you feel safer: by tricking your subconscious into believing that there is an IT consultant in the room with you.

  • Computer Virii
    There are several ways of dealing with an enemy incursion into your PC. One is to use a software virus checker - this is a program that constructs a virtual surgery inside your computer. A software receptionist makes appointments for incoming data so the e-doctor can kill tainted immigrant attachments. This is not an analogy. This is Home Office policy.

    Another routine way of dealing with virii is by instituting a programme of Hardware Explosive Redundancy Arrays. As soon as your PC develops a virus, a team of bored Territorial Army officers drive it to Wiltshire and blow it up in a controlled explosion. This technique is very successful. Before it was developed, PCs had to be boiled in disinfectant laced with Lemsip for six weeks and few survived.
  • Homeopathic Remedies.
    According to Feng-Shui, a computer should be positioned in the Northeast corner of a room over a bowl of warm milk infused with rose petals and tri-cyclic stem ginger.
  • Pornography.
    Swedish IT expert Ikea Opak advises that visiting hardcore pornography sites releases latent chip tension and helps the processor 'grow big and strong enough to fight infection'. Opak particularly recommends his own site,

Leaked by sources close to: The Parliamentary News Service on May 08, 04 | 7:15 pm

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For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.