The Department of Social Scrutiny

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MI5 security advice for business.

imageMy colleagues at MI5 have asked me to pass on some advice to businesses during COPSA - the current Code Orange Panther Security Alert.

In keeping with the aims of joined-up Government, we have typed up Memo 18654(a) which we recieved earlier today from MI5 at the foot of the Chief of Staff's domestic shopping list. For your convenience, we have deleted the words Eggs and Yoghurt from the current draft, until such time as they become important to National Security

  • Beards.
    Employees with beards are rated by MI5 as Class Alpha Security Threats, except David Blunkett. Proceed with caution when dealing with Class Alpha Security Threats at all times. If they are not members of some kind of Al Qaeda cell, they are liberals, folk musicians or troublemakers of some other kind.
  • Perimeter Security.
    Institute a Zero-Tolerance Perimeter Breach De-facilitating Initiative. Place notices at all points of entry expressly forbidding all terrorists to enter the building. Underline the notice with the phrase "This applies to you!"
  • Stay Vigilant.
    Pay close attention to employees who speak with a funny accent or insist on holding fluffy persian cats while they are talking. Eye patches, balaclavas and unidentifiable military uniform worn at work should also arouse suspicion.
  • Behaviour
    Employees who arrive for work in unmarked military helicopters or commute from a secret island in the Pacific Ocean should be regarded with utmost wariness. Unless their surname is Tracey.
  • Recruitment
    Employ someone who is adept at navigating the workplace via air conditioning ducts and conveniently-placed grills. Train them in the use of sub-machine guns and ground-based rocket launchers. Ensure that they have access to plenty of blueprints of your building and a supply of slightly-torn string vests. Encourage hirsuteness.

Leaked by sources close to: Sir Edward Bicycle on April 30, 04 | 1:57 pm

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