Further details of Tony Blair's EU Referendum plans have emerged today following his statement to parliament yesterday.
Now, after overnight study of the plans, commentators have discovered that, far from offering Britain a chance to vote on the new EU Constitution, the Government is instead offering EU member states a chance to "be at the Heart of Britain".
In Number 10's background notes for journalists, Mr Blair writes, "It is essential to be integrated - on our terms - with Europe, but the only realistic way of going forward with this is if Europe itself is at the Heart of Britain or, more specifically, England."
Civil Servants, caught off-guard by the briefings, struggled to define exactly where the Heart of Britain was, but Birmingham and Ashby de-la-Zouch are the most obvious contenders for the role, which will see a county of Europe - or Europeshire - set up under a forthcoming Local Government Act. Under Tony Blair's plan, sole responsibility for running the new local authority will be passed to the County Council of Europe, who are to be relocated from Strasbourg to the town of Melton Mowbray. Meltonians are understood to be "looking forward to showing the French a thing or two about cheese", according to the pages of local newspaper, The Mowbray Europhobe.
Meanwhile, Blair's Cabinet colleague, Foreign Minister Jack Straw, issued new plans on integrating rogue nations like North Korea onto the Isle of Wight, "where we can keep a closer eye on them".
It is understood that once the full integration is complete, US President George Bush plans to "relocationate the Governmentinerary" of the UK to a bunker outside Des Moines.
"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
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