Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown outlined his Budget plans last week in a two hour House of Commons speech that left pundits speculating over its exact meaning.
"Mr Brown started with a pledge to be "on target" in targetting Labour tax and spending targets," said Tony Flouride, Official Mouthpiece of the Centre for Fiscal Polarity, "and he went on to announce huge hikes in Relief for Non-Endowable Capital Pension Windows. He was talking absolute rubbish and this in itself is a tremendous step forward for UK, plc".
Raphael Osada, Soft Fruit Futures Analyst for Japanese finance house Nissan Bluebird agrees: "We were particularly pleased that Mr Brown's new Offset Pear Allowance shows a firmer grip on soft fruit generally. Our investors can now hold multiple portfolios of crushed plums under the new rules."
Crispin Underfelt, Senior Overwriter at DeBoit Donglay Interbang points to the Chancellor's announcement of new tax reliefs on the purchase of giraffes. "The new Base Rate Ceiling Threshold will enable many more to enjoy the zero-rating on these fine, tax-efficient investment creatures.
Away from reliefs and allowances, Mr Brown announced free Scotch and cigarettes in the House of Commons Bar to massive cheers. He also outlined plans to tax tax, tax sex and to kill anyone who got in his way.
"I commend this budget to the House," said Mr Brown, as he returned to his seat.
Labour members immediately ordered Tequila Slammers and went on a drinking binge that ended later in the Upper House, where Senior Ministers taunted the assembled Lords and Bishops by evacuating their bowels on the Woolsack.
"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine
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