Reactions to a recently published Government Inquiry would dismay the report's author, Lord Justice Whitewash, according to the Prime Minister, Hugo Carfax.
The report - into a string of policy failures - concluded that the Government was "not to blame for anything", but laid the finger of blame instead squarely at the feet of junior Civil Servant, Mr Arthur Scapegoat, who was later forced to resign three times before being suspended on full pay from the ceiling of the House of Commons. Ministers now regularly taunt Mr Scapegoat with a long stick from the Dispatch Box.
Concerns over Mr Scapegoat's three forced resignations - and the subsequent Compulsory Recruitment Notices served upon him in order to force him to resign again - were first raised by Opposition leader Ron Nonymous at Prime Ministers Questions. Mr Nonymous eventually gave up after twenty seconds of questioning, when the Prime Minister's answer implied that the Leader of the Opposition "smelled of old wee and looked like a lady". Mr Nonymous later described the process as "deeply humiliating".
The Prime Minister went on to say that he was "personally devastated" by critics of the report, claiming that he had spoken to Lord Whitewash after his death, who had expressed a posthumous request to not be criticised in any way for the findings of the Inquiry.
"How anyone can doubt the veracit of this fine, and may I say sadly deceased, white-haired old man is utterly and unutterably beyond me. If they want to criticise anyone, may I point out that Mr Scapegoat's long stick is available on a cross-party basis. If they don't want to join in, that's entirely up to them," said Mr Carfax this morning.
Lord Justice Whitewash passed peacefully away after powerful mind-altering drugs were withdrawn from his daily diet of luncheon meat sandwiches and elk on toast.
"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine
How to protect your data (from us) [Read more]
Peril Level Alert advice in light of Global Alarm Attitude [Read more]
New DoSS Guide: New Labour, New Pregnancy [Read more]
HMRC Security Breach: What You Can Do to Protect Yourself From Us [Read more]
Frequently Asked FAQs [Read more]
Ministry of Truth and Other Information Takes Over Education [Read more]
Identity Cards: Part 3 - Biometric data. [Read more]
Your Money and Your Life - Part 2 [Read more]
The Notwork Rail guide to your railway station. [Read more]
"Keep All Your Old Skin in a Jar", Says Biometric Fraud Tsar. [Read more]
About Your Habitat - Identity Card Application Part 6 [Read more]
New magazine goes on sale to encourage "self-expression" [Read more]
K-ID Cards. [Read more]
Child Identity Theft Proposals Outlined [Read more]
You'll be laughing on the other side of your face. [Read more]
The DoSS Guide to the National Health Service [Read more]
The DoSS Local Election Guide [Read more]
The Pensioner Appraisal Programme [Read more]
Habeas Corpus 2006 [Read more]
Kids' Identity Theft Counter-Measures Roll Out. [Read more]
Child Identity Theft Prompts New ID Strategy [Read more]
In Felicity Benefit [Read more]
For a complete listing of DoSS, all the way back to 2004, visit The Archive.