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Prime Minister and Opposition Leader clash over official Inquiry.

Reactions to a recently published Government Inquiry would dismay the report's author, Lord Justice Whitewash, according to the Prime Minister, Hugo Carfax.

The report - into a string of policy failures - concluded that the Government was "not to blame for anything", but laid the finger of blame instead squarely at the feet of junior Civil Servant, Mr Arthur Scapegoat, who was later forced to resign three times before being suspended on full pay from the ceiling of the House of Commons. Ministers now regularly taunt Mr Scapegoat with a long stick from the Dispatch Box.

Concerns over Mr Scapegoat's three forced resignations - and the subsequent Compulsory Recruitment Notices served upon him in order to force him to resign again - were first raised by Opposition leader Ron Nonymous at Prime Ministers Questions. Mr Nonymous eventually gave up after twenty seconds of questioning, when the Prime Minister's answer implied that the Leader of the Opposition "smelled of old wee and looked like a lady". Mr Nonymous later described the process as "deeply humiliating".

The Prime Minister went on to say that he was "personally devastated" by critics of the report, claiming that he had spoken to Lord Whitewash after his death, who had expressed a posthumous request to not be criticised in any way for the findings of the Inquiry.

"How anyone can doubt the veracit of this fine, and may I say sadly deceased, white-haired old man is utterly and unutterably beyond me. If they want to criticise anyone, may I point out that Mr Scapegoat's long stick is available on a cross-party basis. If they don't want to join in, that's entirely up to them," said Mr Carfax this morning.

Lord Justice Whitewash passed peacefully away after powerful mind-altering drugs were withdrawn from his daily diet of luncheon meat sandwiches and elk on toast.

Leaked by sources close to: The Parliamentary News Service on March 04, 04 | 12:15 pm

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