The long awaited, hard-hitting official inquiry into a trail of failed Government policies has concluded that the Government is "not to blame for anything".
Lord Justice Whitewash, the man selected by Sir Edward Bicycle to head the Inquiry, has concluded that "factors wholly outside of the Government's firm control dictated the failures, u-turns and outright criminality that mark the Executive's seven years in power". Specifically, the report, which was compiled from evidence supplied by the Department of Truth and Fishery Affairs, laid the finger of blame squarely at the feet of junior Civil Servant, Mr Arthur Scapegoat.
Speaking from the four-poster bed that dominates the Enquiry Courtroom, Lord Whitewash outlined the deficiencies of Mr Scapegoat, who he said had "systematically lost all the carefully drafted policies that the Government had sought to bring to Parliament, leaving the Executive with, in some cases, only half an hour to think of new ones".
New policies, said Lord Whitewash, like the one that gave Police extra powers to investigate Spatula Crime, were bound to fail, even with the Home Office's £4 million "Spatula Crime - don't let it spread" advertising campaign.
"When you consider that the Government distinctly remember having had a good idea that Mr Scapegoat subsequently torpedoed by his criminal incompetence and inutterably dim-witted working class mindset, bloated by a daily diet of soap operas and BBC propaganda, you can't help to hate him, really," snorted the Judge.
Another policy disaster, to send troops in to make emergency deliveries of dried milk during the General Cow Strike turned out to be based on the false premise that cows had gone on strike. Sir Malcolm Hairband, the then Minister of Milk, Toast and Defence Procurement, was due to present a bill to Parliament that was hailed as a masterpiece of logistical precision and miltary strategy, only to be thwarted at the last moment. In order to create a new piece of legislation in under an hour, Sir Malcolm was compelled to order Transit Vans full of cows with placards to be sent out along Britain's motorways masquerading as flying pickets. Only in that way would he be seen in the robust light his earlier work of genius rightfully bestowed upon him.
Mr Scapegoat has been suspended, on full pay, from the ceiling of the House of Commons. Lord Justice Whitewash passed peacefully away after powerful mind-altering drugs were withdrawn from his daily diet of luncheon meat sandwiches and elk on toast.
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