http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index.phpHot News from the DoSS!enianvince@mac.comCopyright 2009 Ian Vince2012-04-02T15:00:25+01:00 hourly 1 2000-01-01T12:00+00:00 Fri, 27 Mar 2009 09:04:21 +0000Ian Vinceadmin@socialscrutiny.orgHumor, humour, UKianvince@mac.comApocolympics2012-04-02T15:00:25+01:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/7ec8206227bb6d18d0b003fdc8cb85ee-21.php#unique-entry-id-21http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/7ec8206227bb6d18d0b003fdc8cb85ee-21.php#unique-entry-id-21
Central Government, along with the executive agency for promoting active lifestyles among the young and feckless, SportYeah?, has outlined its determination, in the difficult weeks ahead, to press on with the delivery of both the Olympic Games and the Olympic Legacy, irrespective of the consensus of Code Brown hysteria that surrounds the coming global apocalypse.

For six weeks, the eyes of the world will be on London and Britain but also, unfortunately, on a planet-sized rock, which is engulfed in flames, in the sky. So, we will shortly be unveiling a series of inspiring television advertisements which will attempt to draw a line under the whole armageddon business. The advertisements will feature a marathon runner bearing a torch and some pre-packed bacon, negotiating a series of obstacles placed in his path; he leaps over a burning riot barricade, narrowly escapes the crumbling facade of a famous bank as well as Big Ben toppling into the Thames and a Bingo Hall exploding, survives a hail of javelins and finally comes home to the family kitchen victorious and able to light the eye-level grill of his cooker with the Olympic torch. The advertisement ends with the strapline ‘2012 - Saving Our Bacon’.

There has been some criticism of the advert and the Advertising Standards Authority has insisted, in the interests of truthfulness, that the entire family, kitchen and eye-level grill be immediately vaporised and that a caption is displayed – something along the lines of ‘Eat Bacon Sandwiches Responsibly’ - but we have also been praised for setting the Apocalypse against the context of the Games. Unfortunately, with the recently opened fissure of boiling rock near Goole that was named in this morning’s press as Kingston Upon Hell, it has become clear that we have to do far more in order to own the news agenda.

I’m confident that we can help meet that objective and, in doing so, be part of something that achieves a transformational shift towards embedded sustainability for these games. In fact, more than ever, we have evidence for our assertion that the Olympic Legacy will survive as long as the communities we have built that Legacy for. We have advanced our plans and we cannot retreat, going forward.]]>ianvince@mac.comApocolympics2012-03-28T14:43:24+01:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/cb35a88bc512ec0aa57009423df7a6ed-20.php#unique-entry-id-20http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/cb35a88bc512ec0aa57009423df7a6ed-20.php#unique-entry-id-20I am out of my body as I have been recalled to my Mothership for de-briefing and recycling.

I will return at the commencement of the 14th b’ak’tun, Mayan long count calendar date of 13.0.0.0.1, where I will assume the form of a giant, genderless, methane-breathing seahorse and will rule for 144 days as Hippocampus Gideonii.

If your enquiry is urgent, please await further instructions from the Chancellor in your household refuse. If you have not thought to look through your bins for messages from the Government, I’m afraid that you are too mentally stable to talk to us.

]]>ianvince@mac.comDoSS Business2012-02-17T14:59:53+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/f27a15766e666b7d0b3721debc1818a6-19.php#unique-entry-id-19http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/f27a15766e666b7d0b3721debc1818a6-19.php#unique-entry-id-19

Hey, chin up. Just because you’ve lost your job through no fault of your own, there’s no need to be all down-hearted or to sink into the hand-to-mouth destitution of cheap groceries and court orders. Not just yet, anyway. It isn’t all rejection and despondency, you know, because there’s someone who
always wants to see you, no matter how much you turn them away or pretend you don’t care.

That’s right, that’s us, we’re the Jobcentrehassleplus.

Jobcentrehassleplus loves you a lot, but knows you’re not ready to make a big commitment. We only want to see you once a fortnight – we can do lunch or dinner or, better still, how about a long and demeaning interview where we strip you of your dignity, kick you out of your wheelchair or surreptitiously induce you to work for free as Dolt-in-Residence at your local Tesco?

With Jobcentrehassleplus your P45 opens a world of opportunity. Just look at the great services on offer in your nearest branch.

• Each of our centres is equipped with the latest high-tech gear, like paper and biros, and hologrammatic claim forms that enable us to misplace your details in three dimensions at once.
• Every local newspaper in the world with each instance of the word ‘job’ highlighted in pink.
• A bank of crashed Jobsearchmachines that only show “marketing” jobs in Dorset offering £500,000 p.a. without mentioning it’s actually double glazing canvassing. and you will quite rightly go to Hell.
• Staff, now at software version 0,8,3 no longer yawn in the client’s face.
• ATOS Crutch Burning Oven: ‘Making the lame crawl again’

]]>ianvince@mac.comApocolympics2012-02-16T16:22:47+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/26fe70b3c4d492830f60aeced9423dcc-18.php#unique-entry-id-18http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/26fe70b3c4d492830f60aeced9423dcc-18.php#unique-entry-id-18
Even in training, the new equipment and moves have engendered some health and safety outcome issues and it remains to be seen whether the Apocalypse Steering Committee’s new compromises over the amended regulations will positively impact on the current outcome of the risk assessment; that assessment ended with the telling phrase ‘We’re all going to die’. It is hoped that we may be able to re-engineer the qualitative upshot using a linguistic hermeneutic model to facilitate a variant cognisance of the facts, viz., ‘We might possibly suffer a failure of existence as a short-run consequence of a steel-anatomical interface’.

Following a meeting between Games officials and the formal representatives of the 2012 Apocalypse, there have been some changes to the Synchronised Swimming and Water Polo competitions at the Aquatics Centre. Health and safety officials from the Games had expressed some concerns over proposals from our divine overlords to conduct these events in a pool of vitriol and molten brimstone which would also, it was thought, jeopardize the spirit of the Games.

Representatives of the 2012 Apocalypse appealed for a more inclusive line from the Games, noting that the Centre was constructed on an Iron Age burial site and that the ancestral spirits were angry and were demanding some form of redress.

Compromise was reached when Games officials agreed to contract Balfour Beatty to construct a henge in the warm-up pool and, as part of the Olympic Legacy, to instigate a quarterly regime of exorcisms by a British Standards 5750-compliant Catholic priest.]]>ianvince@mac.comApocolympics2012-02-14T16:03:55+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/e922b6ebaa2428212b077bd45cc07fdc-17.php#unique-entry-id-17http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/e922b6ebaa2428212b077bd45cc07fdc-17.php#unique-entry-id-17Memo to members of the International Olympic Committee
News has come to us, through the usual channels, that a fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse, “Dressage”, has been created by the 2012 Apocalypse Committee to compete in the event that bears his name.

Until recently, it was unclear which nation’s flag he would compete under as difficult conditions in the sky dictate that there are presently UN Sanctions in force against both Niburu and Hades which are, respectively, his home address and his place of work, but the Government have seen fit, in the extraordinary circumstances, to modify their methodology and make him a British subject, while awarding him an MBE for good measure and fast-track an application to make him Harbinger Laureate in the process.

With many of the formalities out of the way, Dressage still faces a drugs test as suspicions about anabolic steroids have arisen, mostly on account of the fact that he is over 12 feet tall and occasionally appears to gently smolder at the end of a round. His explanation - that he is “made of wrath, fury and choleric ill-will to all puny human life” - has now understood to have been taken aboard by the surviving members of the official Olympic Misuse of Drugs Committee who, at the end of the day, were hitherto unable to operationalise the request proactively.]]>ianvince@mac.comApocolympics2012-02-09T11:43:12+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/f9fffa7e54a3eb5a6f11526c7079b93b-16.php#unique-entry-id-16http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/f9fffa7e54a3eb5a6f11526c7079b93b-16.php#unique-entry-id-16
That said, Official Stakeholders will be encouraged, via the inclusivity regime, to develop their human capital in pursuit of the larger commercial envelope and to deploy their own outreach resources to measure their aspirations against the Legacy benchmark.

I attended a meeting of other Games officials so that we could focus collectively as a group on some of the step changes in our Strategy for the Olympic Legacy that have been necessitated by environmental concerns, vis-a-vis a number of instances of extra-planetary peril. The International Olympics Committee, in particular, have expressed concerns that our original bid document does not contain any contingency measures that might be needed in the event of an alien invasion, a disruption in the fabric of the Solar System or the appearance of the Antichrist™.

A Quality Action Team (QAT) has been assembled, drawing on the expertise of Games officials with experience in risk assessment and health and safety, to evaluate and appraise the Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats inherent in the circumstances presented to us by the appearance of the following:

• Wholesale paranormal activity;
• The proximity of a Type 7 Brown Dwarf Star;
• Radio transmissions from a non-indigenous fleet of nearby spaceships and;
• An Antichrist™, to name but a few.

Resolutions were tabled - and passed - to verify the nature of the Brown Dwarf star and, where feasible, work towards a safety certificate compliance process whereby it may be awarded the appropriate British Standards Kitemark.

As part of my remit in Strategy and Outreach Benchmarking, my assignment is to onboard external partners; all future communications with outreach targets will be actioned by my team at the appropriate decision latitude.

The Antichrist™ is a different - and difficult - matter, however, and for those reasons the QAT has formed a sub-committee with the remit of bringing Him/Her and/or It on board with an offer of Tier 1 Sponsorship and full-colour advertising space in the official programme. A PDF of terms and conditions of sponsorship have been forwarded to the Antichrist™ and it is hoped that some synergy between the Games and Him/Her and/or It can be leveraged
]]>ianvince@mac.comDoSS Business2012-02-08T15:46:49+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/5faba1131109596040b5c759496b14da-15.php#unique-entry-id-15http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/5faba1131109596040b5c759496b14da-15.php#unique-entry-id-15
To download, go to http://www.socialscrutiny.org/book.php And may God have mercy on your soul.]]>ianvince@mac.comDoSS Business2011-12-21T11:17:50+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/8813307645d70cd88f8d2b9bf82ec764-14.php#unique-entry-id-14http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/8813307645d70cd88f8d2b9bf82ec764-14.php#unique-entry-id-14
This year's seasonal missive from the Department of Social Scrutiny will, for the first time, be enabled by your colleagues at the Ministry of Festive Observance.
This means that, unlike previous years where individual Departments were responsible for sending out cards unilaterally, MoFO is at long last able to enforce the Government's policy on Multilateral Minor Package Reciprocation or MMPR.

Under MMPR, cards will only be sent in response to a successful application for festive communication being received by MoFO before the end of the tax year in which Christmas occurred and claims for back-dated Seasonal Felicitations must now be made within seven years of the final hour of the last day of the fiscal year in which a qualifying Christmas occurred.

An example of one of the new forms is reproduced below.

]]>ianvince@mac.comApocolympics2011-09-02T16:49:15+01:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/c64817aa4391580697559c66e9292f8c-13.php#unique-entry-id-13http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/c64817aa4391580697559c66e9292f8c-13.php#unique-entry-id-13 1. The World of Furniture Sale comes to an end and the true, horrifying price of sofas and occasional tables is revealed for the very first time;
2. Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs decline a self-assessment payment on account for the tax year 2012-2013;
3. The Gas Safety Inspectorate issue a certificate for the fires of eternal damnation;
4. The radius of Simon Cowell’s ego becomes so large, his X-Factor star dressing room spontaneously collapses to form a black hole;
5. No traffic cones are visible on the M25;
6. Cannibalism becomes fashionable. Heston Blumenthal flambés a stockbroker with the aid of a Eurofighter engine and Delia microwaves a dozen professional golfers in the Large Hadron Collider;
7. Barn Owls learn how to do quadratic equations.
]]>ianvince@mac.comApocolympics2011-08-04T11:01:03+01:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/efc5be49438b824e1f9d3997ff4126da-11.php#unique-entry-id-11http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/efc5be49438b824e1f9d3997ff4126da-11.php#unique-entry-id-11
When it all goes tits-up next year and the wolves of the Tribulation bay for blood, you might be surprised to learn that the Coalition are still planning to govern the country in a “business-like manner”. While there will inevitably be some loss of life in the Cabinet when strange uni-dimensional beings who live between the gaps in Conservative logic claim back Wild Gideon as their son, or when Vince Cable finally goes native with a fishing rod and a red cap under Westminster Bridge, it will inevitably come to wider public attention that most of the Government succumbed to the zombie taste for human flesh years ago and have just been patiently marking time, occasionally forming hunting parties to raid the monkey house at London Zoo or the odd middle class glamping site where the meat is more tender.

The main upshot of all of this is that HMRC will still be responsible for collecting taxes and Jobcentreplus still charged with investigating fraud. But with the treasury minister responsible likely to be one of the Living Dead, you might like to reflect on your survival as well as your accountancy and jobsearch skills. However, if a member of the HMRC or Benefits Enforcement Teams do call, here are some tips as to how to proceed.

• As soon as you suspect that there may be a tax collector or benefit investigator outside your home you must take decisive action. Improvise a meat catapult at a first floor window and hurl steaks, opened tins of winalot and fresh pets away from your home. Enforcement teams can smell blood but are equally attracted to mature, slightly dodgy food. Kebabs send them wild.
• Fashion a spear or javelin from an old pool cue or a garden fork. Paint the tips red and yellow, to invoke the McDonalds paradigm of meat marketing and write the magical invocation “Dieu Et Mon Droit” down the shaft. None of this will help, but it will pass the time creatively.
• Wear a string vest and lederhosen - apart from making you look deeply unappetising, you will appear more difficult to unwrap to a hungry member of the Undead, who just wants quick “Food on the Go”.

* Beaver Mulcaire is the Shamanic Name of the Minister of Truth and Other Information, Sir Alan Bladder, MP.]]>ianvince@mac.comPodcastDoSS Business2011-07-30T09:58:55+01:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/f1453b735d4d508286ae052e1e5af15d-10.php#unique-entry-id-10http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/f1453b735d4d508286ae052e1e5af15d-10.php#unique-entry-id-10An audio statement on the phone hacking scandal has been issued by the Department. Download the podcast below. Also contains the Espionage forecast for August.

Statement to the nation]]>ianvince@mac.comDoSS Business2011-07-15T16:42:25+01:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/7b49e7c340e0d7798ae74aa4685ea501-8.php#unique-entry-id-8http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/7b49e7c340e0d7798ae74aa4685ea501-8.php#unique-entry-id-8In line with the coalition’s remit to “save money, whatever the cost”, it is with great pride that we can announce the Department is amalgamating with the Ministry for Auditing the Apocalympics. The new department will be known as the Department of Social Scrutiny and the Apocalypse - DoSSA.

We have commissioned a new logo - right - which, we think, mirror the new responsibilities of the Department while still in the traditional DoSS Pantone colours of Selsey Flapjack and Vichy Whisper. The logo integrates an Olympic Torch and a large bolide into the familiar DoSS eye device.

Copies of the new logo are available to all right-thinking newspaper editors. But not the News of the World, because they were on holiday at the time.

An audio statement on the phone hacking scandal has just been issued by the Department. Download the podcast below. Contains the Espionage forecast for August.
Podcast]]>ianvince@mac.comDoSS Business2011-02-23T10:18:00+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/91c5c62ec6057d71f74cf0ad0898a99c-7.php#unique-entry-id-7http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/91c5c62ec6057d71f74cf0ad0898a99c-7.php#unique-entry-id-7It is with great pride that the Department of Social Scrutiny unveils its latest Customer Service Charter today - the Blue Charter Mark, which consolidates our previous Brown Flag for Cleanliness and the Silver Earplug Award for Telephone Attention into one unbeatable service package.
This exciting package rolls many features into the Service Charter bundle, many of which are outlined below in the Customer Service Checklist.

Customer Service Checklist.

• All telephone enquiries will be routed to Outer Mongolia via a 4,000 kilometre loop of bell wire.
  
• Our contractors action your enquiry in Central Lowland Scottish accents to a call centre in Fife, who escalate your support request by staring out the window and visiting websites for the remainder of the day.
• If you have a further enquiry, your call will be placed on hold while employees of our Fife call centre send one another emails containing slightly off-colour jokes featuring some degree of racial or sexual stereotyping and far too many exclamation marks.
• You will then be played music on a poorly-edited 31 second tape loop that you will find yourself whistling at your grandmother's funeral six year later, having eventually seeped into your subconscious mind as a response to unswerving anger and sorrow.
• If you are unsatisfied with our response to an automatically answered call, you can lodge an official appeal by recording the full conversation and playing it backwards at full volume to our Customer Defusing Centre, located at your local Mental Health Centre.
• Our staff have the right to work without fear of encountering pushy people like you who want more than they can provide which is, by and large, nothing.

]]>ianvince@mac.comDoSS Business2011-02-23T10:19:11+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/a9648f935a34038398ae9a9aeea37804-6.php#unique-entry-id-6http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/a9648f935a34038398ae9a9aeea37804-6.php#unique-entry-id-6

The Department of Social Scrutiny is delighted to announce the adoption of a new Royal Crest which, we believe, mirrors the true values of Modern Britain and is set to make everything OK again.

The new crest, however, contains a number of heraldic devices which it may be necessary to explain to people unfamiliar with the deep-rooted symbolism of power.

1 Lamb Rampant
The sheep's nature - that of a docile, fluffy and easily panicked animal that happily follows the crowd, bleating as it goes to be annually fleeced for its coat - has long symbolized the British people.

2 Ram Rampant
With its beard, hardened horn, fixed, dead and glassy gaze, the Ram symbolizes the meddling judiciary.

3 Coronation Lion
The Crowned Beast of Britannia which, since the onset of Avian Flu, replaces the Coronation Chicken.

4 Ombudslion
To ensure fairness and inclusiveness, the Coronation Lion is overseen, heraldically, by a further crowned lion, symbolizing the official Government Watchdog, the Ombudslion. The Government has obtained a legal dispensation from the Zoological Society of London to re-classify all lions as dogs.

5 Overlion
The Ombudslion is a wholly-owned Corporation of the Federal Government of Texas.

6 Insouciant Goat
The previously secret Cloven-Hoofed Beast that makes all the real decisions in Government is displayed for the first time here, under the terms of the Freedom of Information Act.

7 Deleted Reference
For reasons of decency, the Ceremonial Plate of Regal Turds cannot be displayed.

8 Cross, Pennant
Symbolizing the idea of nationhood - the crucifix that bears the nation's flag is hammered through the base of the brain of the people and exits through the chest, both stiffening the posture and acting as a crutch.

9 Ram's Gonads
This stands for the inalienable right of any members of the legal profession to display his or her genitals, the third Tuesday of every month.]]>ianvince@mac.comTerms and Conditions2011-01-15T13:38:29+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/7f59fe37ec2cc9e71b3f6af34ee576a5-3.php#unique-entry-id-3http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/7f59fe37ec2cc9e71b3f6af34ee576a5-3.php#unique-entry-id-3For your own safety and psychiatric wellbeing, please read the following terms and conditions carefully
Definitions.
These terms and conditions (hereinafter referred to as 'terms and conditions') form part of a contract between you (hereinafter referred to as 'you') and us (hereinafter referred to as 'Sir').
Jurisdiction.
For legal purposes, this contract shall be governed by the Laws of Canasta.
Privacy policy.
Information that you share with us may be used, at our discretion, by other Government Departments, other Governments, intelligence organisations, local councils, the Post Office, your neighbours, your friends, colleagues, business partners and lovers. This is what we mean by Open Government. Additionally, we may, in times of National Emergency, take out newspaper adverts featuring a picture of you as a child with a caption that reads: "Member of the Axis of Evil" or "Escaped Loony".
]]>ianvince@mac.comFAQs2011-01-16T13:35:11+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/91024d5f73e4fafb7d867b4a9605ceac-2.php#unique-entry-id-2http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/91024d5f73e4fafb7d867b4a9605ceac-2.php#unique-entry-id-2Can you tell me a little bit about the DoSS website?
This website incorporates 150 cubic yards of JavaScript sprayed onto a lightweight superstructure of broken promises and Cryptically-Encoded-Hyperbole (CEH) - the new super-smooth non-stick material that lines the Space Shuttle lavatory and the press briefing room at Downing Street.
Where does all the money go?

 
You've mentioned chairs twice. How come?
In our full accounts, the additional office chair is balanced on the credit side by the presence of a chair fashioned from anti-matter. If we were to show both the chair and the anti-chair on the same graph the damage to the pie chart would be colossal.
The graph only adds up to 80%. How come?
Oh, it's you again. This is a bug in your web browser that is unable to handle modern accounting, particularly the new technique of bent numbers • the practise of plotting four different axes onto a three dimensional graph on a two dimensional surface. The accountant bends two copies of the graph and plots points using polarised light and a pair of specially adapted cheap sunglasses.
I have applied for a job with DoSS. How will I know whether my application was successful?
DoSS regularly communicates with its agents in the field via messages left in their household refuse. If you have not thought of going through your bin for secret mail from the Government, then we're sorry, you are simply too mentally stable to work for us. Thank you for your interest.
I'd like to write some favourable and compelling copy about DoSS. Where do I get your graphics from?
You can download both of our logos here.

 
Terms of use:

• The two colours used in the DoSS logo are "Selsey Flapjack" and "Vichy Whisper".
• When using the chartermark, you must position it not more than 30cm away from a Government Minister at all times.
• You may face criminal prosecution if you use any of these logos in a way that reflects badly on DoSS: ie - pornography, pyramid schemes, negative news stories.

I agree to these terms:
]]>ianvince@mac.comDoSS Business2011-01-17T13:31:41+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/d368a5c12516d5ad5f81e7ca244e27cf-1.php#unique-entry-id-1http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/d368a5c12516d5ad5f81e7ca244e27cf-1.php#unique-entry-id-1In the wake of the latest difficulties faced by the Government, Sir Edward Bicycle, the new Secretary of State for Social Scrutiny, unveils plans for a complete overhaul of how Government deals with you, the people.

"The Government, your Government, has had its difficulties recently. There have been accusations of sleaze, spin, whitewash and, most recently, less than wholesome conduct with a dead rhinoceros, but these setbacks are really just issues of presentation and the Government remains adhered to its policy of muscular modernisation.

Only one thing stands in our way: the political will as well as precision of thought, and let us not forget what might be referred to as that quality which is known as a clarity of expression.

New plans
That's why we are introducing our new plans. They form part of the Government's wide-ranging sweeping reforms which will overturn and build on the successful wide-ranging and sweeping reforms we introduced last year.

One of the problems with the successful old reforms was that people were uncertain of their position within society. Furthermore we are faced with the need to reformulate our, and by our I mean your, civil liberties in the context of a world where our, and by our I mean my, authority is under threat and where that threat is clearly and without a shadow of doubt, you. We want to change that by screening the population and assigning you, the person, a position in society based on objective rules rather than wishy-washy ideas about aspiration and hope.

New process
This new process will be known as Serf Assessment. The first step in this process will involve a series of short interviews to determine whether you are exempt from applying. These interviews will occur at DoSS offices in London over the course of the next few weeks.

People attending from outside the Home Counties will be allowed into the application office after inspections for head lice. Applicants using foul language outside the context of a discussion about art will be issued vouchers for oven chips and asked to leave.

We do commend these changes to you and I do hope you approve of them, because your future is certainly bleak if you do not. One can't make an omelette without cracking eggs, after all. Now all that's left for me to do is to beat one off."
]]>ianvince@mac.comDoSS Business2011-01-18T13:00:41+00:00http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/f02720b6d7a37b5b1c4f7de3777f439a-0.php#unique-entry-id-0http://www.socialscrutiny.org/index_files/f02720b6d7a37b5b1c4f7de3777f439a-0.php#unique-entry-id-0From the office of the Minister of Truth and Other Information, Sir Alan Bladder, MP.
Hello and welcome to the new rationalised Department of Social Scrutiny website. I do hope you enjoy using it, within the agreed levels of excitement as outlined in the 2009 Draft Orange Paper Framework of Permitted Exhilaration. Now let me briefly outline why the new Government has decided to dramatically improve the web presence of the Department of Social Scrutiny by spending less money on it.

When we came into power, it was incumbent upon us to change the incumbent way of doing things, thereby creating an incumbency loop that changes things in the way that they have always been changed: the progressive status quo, the new same old, the static leap.

It’s an exciting prospect and I’m not just talking about a semantic shift of priorities, but a real movement, like a large and heavy box full of, for example, hammers. I might be new to this Internet 2.0, but I’m sure that even in a digital Britain, we will always need hammers and they won’t always be exactly in the place we need them to be and so need to be moved around, by the box load on digital trolleys. Staff here at the Department have now informed me that the digital trolleys that move information around the internet (I am told that http stands for ‘hi-tech trolley protocol’) were insufficient for the considerable demands placed upon them by DoSS 2.0. On the advice of senior officials, this department has now purchased a new set of trolleys (and forklift trucks for the ‘backend’ FTP) from the very latest Nigerian entrepreneur.

I do hope that you understand the enormous breakthrough the staff here at DoSS have made in explaining this to me. So, as we say on the internet ‘taut cables and super surfing!’
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