Food safety fears expressed over "Fishish Fingers".

Alan Bladder, the Secretary of State for Digestion, who was last week tipped to rise to the top of the Government Food Chain, has blasted the makers of Cap'n Hermaphrodite's Fishish Fingers for not revealing that their food did not contain any fingers.


Cap'n Hermaphrodite's Fishish Fingers "Fingerless" say critics.

Bladder came out with an extravagant attack on the makers, Fishy Business after a Department of Digestion (DepDig) report found a number of eyelids and other anatomical sweepings, but no fingers. "Fish do not have fingers," added a DepDig spokescientist, "which is why you never see one playing the flute. It's quite simple really."

 Britain: What A State

The Department of Social Scrutiny's guide to your entire life in Britain. Includes all necessary tax and identity card application forms and a full guide to the British public transport system, as officially sanctioned by Notwork Rail.

Plus: New retirement guide "Are You Alright, Dear", handy graduated tea strength colour matching chart and official guidelines for the consumption of cake, biscuits and other snacks served at ambient room temperature.

Britain: What A State

"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine