Child Identity Theft Proposals Outlined

The Department of Social Scrutiny has unveiled new proposals to counter the growing and unspeakably wrong practise of child identity fraud.

Each year, hundreds of Britain's kids turn up to school to find their desk is taken by an adult pretending to be them. In many cases, the imposter has made convincing counterfeit copies of the child's only means of identification - a pencil case, packed lunch box or label sewn-in to the collar of their shirt, and teachers are unable to tell the difference.

These attempts to fraudulently obtain services reserved for children, including meals cooked by Jamie Oliver and Metalwork lessons, must not be allowed to continue. After experimenting briefly with other solutions, such as 128-bit encrypted pencil cases and spot-checking pupils on their knowledge of 1980s music in order to tease out the imposters, the department has settled on a programme of Identity Cards for Children. An application form containing further details is below.

 Britain: What A State

The Department of Social Scrutiny's guide to your entire life in Britain. Includes all necessary tax and identity card application forms and a full guide to the British public transport system, as officially sanctioned by Notwork Rail.

Plus: New retirement guide "Are You Alright, Dear", handy graduated tea strength colour matching chart and official guidelines for the consumption of cake, biscuits and other snacks served at ambient room temperature.

Britain: What A State

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