Being human is all about expressing yourself, but as we get older, our skin dries up and those expressions start to leave micro-canyons in our faces. You may think "laugh lines", but he's thinking "what an ugly, corroded old trollop, I wouldn't touch her with wet fish".
But now there's an answer and it doesn't involve keying some smug bastard's penile extension of a car, although it is just as fashionably expensive. Try new L'Organelline Facial Fortifusion - with its patent Pro-Quantum Cloud of Possibility - and reduce the appearance of 87.95% of your wrinkles*.
Put simply, but buttered up with some pseudo-scientific codswallop, your face looks awful, but buying into a fantastic promise and absorbing some strong transdermal hallucinogens will sort everything out.
You owe it to yourself. Laugh on the other side of your face.
"Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain." Charlie Brooker
"If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up." Sunday Telegraph Magazine