The DoSS Local Election Guide

The Royal Mail are obliged to deliver election literature to your door, along with your neighbour's post and an infinite amount of AOL CDs

Next month sees the English local council elections and, with this in mind, we present a useful guide for first-time voters and gawping imbeciles alike.

First you must find your local Polling Station. This is usually located in a school hall, community centre or some other building you have no intention of ever stepping into.

Once you are inside, and have shown your poll card or given your name to an official – identifiable by the aura of a person who hangs around magistrates courts as a hobby – you will be given a ballot paper and may vote in one of the cubicles provided. Selection of a cubicle follows the same etiquette as the gentleman’s urinal code, and you should always vote in a booth not adjacent to one already in use. However, it is not always necessary to wash your hands unless your aim is poor or you make a mark down the side.

You must make a cross composed of two strokes against the candidate you wish to vote for. Do not tick, draw a smiley face, spray your tag or staple your latest flier to the ballot. You really don’t want any of the parties at your party. You do not need a stamp to post your vote.

 Britain: What A State

The Department of Social Scrutiny's guide to your entire life in Britain. Includes all necessary tax and identity card application forms and a full guide to the British public transport system, as officially sanctioned by Notwork Rail.

Plus: New retirement guide "Are You Alright, Dear", handy graduated tea strength colour matching chart and official guidelines for the consumption of cake, biscuits and other snacks served at ambient room temperature.

Britain: What A State

�Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain.� Charlie Brooker
�If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up.� Sunday Telegraph Magazine