The Notwork Rail guide to your railway station.

1. Ticket Vending Machine
   Replica of real ticket machine, absolutely correct in every detail, including the fact that it will not dispense tickets. Driven by software that once revolutionized the programming of toasters.
2. Ghost Train Passenger
   Every railway has a ghost train story, but British ghost train services are often dogged by strikes and the disruption affects passengers caught in the twin limbos of rail travel and expiry. They face a long and fruitless death floating towards any light that takes their fancy. Awayday tickets are not valid on this service.
3. Automated Sincere Apology System
   Computer-generated announcements about how fundamentally shagged the rail system is today. A public-address system is also integrated so that live announcements with unforeseen words and phrases such as “early” or “on schedule” can still be made.
4. Impenetrable Signalling System
   An ingenious semaphore-based messaging system principally used to send off-colour jokes and rude observations about Notwork Rail management up and down the country.
5. The Tracks
   Due to complex franchising arrangements, the offside rail is owned by a Portsmouth man who bought it at a jumble sale. The nearside rail is owned by RightRail who lease it to LeftRail plc who, in order to promote dynamic, blue-sky environments of risk taking, often use it as a stake in back-room poker games at international rail conferences.
6. Architect’s Illustration Model
   As used for original artist’s impression of the station, and now retained because he makes everything look fantastically cool. He is 6ft tall, comes condensed for extra effect and is known as Jeff. Budget for Jeff comes from the Black Projects Division of Notwork Rail.
7. Maintenance Crew
   Seven man team responsible for hanging around at the end of platforms in day-glo jackets and shaking their heads in disbelief as they attempt to repair infrastructure with bits of old Meccano and bicycle lamps. Many escaped when British Rail was privatised and are now feral on the nation's railways, living in remote huts and scavenging for teabags tossed from passing buffet cars.

 Britain: What A State

The Department of Social Scrutiny's guide to your entire life in Britain. Includes all necessary tax and identity card application forms and a full guide to the British public transport system, as officially sanctioned by Notwork Rail.

Plus: New retirement guide "Are You Alright, Dear", handy graduated tea strength colour matching chart and official guidelines for the consumption of cake, biscuits and other snacks served at ambient room temperature.

Britain: What A State

�Thank God: a book that's both clever and funny. Deserves a place on the lap of every comedy fan in Britain.� Charlie Brooker
�If you wince at the word 'benchmark', this neat parody could be just the thing to cheer you up.� Sunday Telegraph Magazine